Health Appointments

Several of you have asked for a health update.

March 19-closed reduction nasal fracture surgery (Isn't that a fancy name?!?!)

March 26-ENT follow up. He determined surgery was successful, that I am healing well. I should not wear glasses or blow my nose for another week. I should avoid all sports/possible collisions/not let people touch my nose/try not to hold small children on my lap because they are unpredictable, and it's too risky to do so during the next six months (the time it will take the bones in my nose are fully heal). As you can imagine, that last part will be insanely hard for me.

March 29-Neurologist consultation. He determined that we should proceed with a variety of tests (EEG, MRI, TILT) because he is concerned about the number of times I blacked out (about 8) within a short time frame (2 or 3 hours). There was a bunch of calling back and forth between the neurologist and my primary about whether she ordered an EEG or just a preliminary consultation with the neurologist. We determined that she had only ordered a consultation and that the neurologist would decide whether further testing was necessary once he spoke with me. I took this to mean my situation "wasn't that bad" and that I might not need an EEG after all. I shed a few tears about the shift in perspective after my appointment because I thought I only had one more doctor appointment left, but, as a result of the testing the neurologist ordered, I have five more doctor appointments left. I am tired of feeling helpless, weak, and wounded. After some praying and crying, I felt a lot better though, and now I am ready to move forward in trust. God is good, and He continues to teach me about humility, to learn to ask for help, to admit fear and sin and unbelief more freely, to accept love more readily, to trust the He and others care for me. He has broken down so many strongholds in my life in the last month! It continues to amaze me whenever I think about it!

As far as testing goes, the neurologist and I are most curious about the results of the TILT test. They will strap me to a swivel board and position it at different angles while they monitor my heart rate and blood pressure to see if they can recreate a situation that will prompt me to black out, to see if they can determine what any of the precursors were to me blacking out/fainting. This may result in taking regular medication to keep my rates within a certain range.

Upcoming dates of note:

April 1-My birthday!

April 2-MRI

April 13-EEG/brain wave study

April ?-TILT test

April 30-Neurologist follow up

April 30-Primary care follow up

First Day Back at Work

Yesterday (March 25) was my first WHOLE DAY back at work since March 3, the night of my trip to the ER. I made it a WHOLE DAY yesterday! I have been waiting for this milestone to occur for so long! I really like my coworkers and am so thankful to be able to spend time with them, for laughter, and for renewed energy! I'm thankful for purpose in my day, the physical ability to start entering my normal routine again. It has been a very "un-normal" month!

Each week on Thursdays those of us who live on campus here at NMSI gather together for lunch (Campus Lunch/Community Lunch) to fellowship and discuss any upcoming activities, yard work that needs to get done, various issues that come up, etc. Yesterday was the first time I've been able to attend in weeks! Directly afterwards, as we were cleaning up and putting tables away, I found something very fun and silly on the counter in the kitchen. Members of our COAT training program assured me that they were not using these silly objects anymore and were happy to share them with me because they were extras. I wore mine for the rest of the day. It was SO FUN to see people's reactions when I walked around the office or they stopped by my desk to ask me a question. Ha! I love how God knows me so well, knows when I need something silly and lighthearted, a good reason to laugh. How He knows exactly what cracks me up! I hope you enjoy the pictures! (The sad face is because it is only sticky enough to last for one day!)

Thank you for your prayers for healing! I am excited to be able to post sometime in the future that I've gotten to go biking and/or running again. I so miss being outside in the sun and am working up to returning to these activities gradually. As far as grieving, I am still crying regularly, but the hardest part came to an end Saturday night/Sunday afternoon.

Boden Update: Thank You for Giving to the Lord

I got to spend the afternoon with the Bodens. I feel so at home there. They are my family. I got to give the kids a bath and help them get ready for bed. Watch them running and playing in the yard. See so much more life in Matt's face. As they read stories at bedtime, I watched Lydia give Matt a kiss, rub his face where she kissed him, and say, "I wish Mommy got to give you a rubbing kiss before she died. I'll give you one for her, and you can keep it and remember it forever." She proceeded to kiss him. What a beautiful heart... Will you pray for Seth's processing of his mama's death, that he'll feel free to vocalize his thoughts about her as freely...

Today Matt went to meet with Seth and Lydia's teacher. Tomorrow will be their first day back at school and possibly the day when Caleb comes home from the hospital. Your prayers are appreciated for these transitions. Additionally, most of the closer family members and friends from out of town either left today or will be leaving tomorrow. Just at Kylee's memorial service alone, $19,000 was collected for the family. Wow. You can contribute as well, so that medical expenses, funeral expenses, and new baby expenses are covered. And so Matt doesn't have to focus on raising support this year (a weekly task, something that's always "on the radar" for any missionary). Visit www.nmsi.org/donate and click on "Boden, Matt and Kylee." All gifts are tax deductible, and NMSI honors preference of gifts solicited and, in accordance with IRS regulations, retains discretion and control over their use.

The hardest part of the grieving is over, I think. For me it was roughest from Wednesday night to Saturday night. I got a good night's sleep that night, a good nap the next day, and then the peace that came from the closure and celebration at her memorial service. I still cry hard several times a day, but I am able to work some (almost up to half days at the office again!), focus on other things when I need to. I am amazed by how tired my body still is from recovering from the month's health-related adventures. Your prayers for physical healing are appreciated.

One of my crying times came at devos yesterday when we shared a few Kylee memories. Rabecca played a song for us by Ray Boltz, and I started crying a lot because the words rang so true: “Thank you for giving to the Lord/I am a life that was changed/Thank you for giving to the Lord/I am so glad you gave.” I am a life that was changed by her life. I loved her deeply and she impacted me deeply. I could say that about many of you who are reading this as well. How beautiful that God allows us to reflect parts of Himself to each other...

Along the same lines, the back side of the program from The Celebration of Kylee's life has a picture of baby Caleb above which was written, "Even in her death, she brought life." What an incredible picture of the gospel Caleb will grow up having...someone really gave her life so that he could live! Wow.

When I saw Keri, Kylee's sister, the day after Kylee died all I could do was give her a big hug and say, "Kylee loved you SO MUCH!" (I have only met her briefly one other time, but some how this seemed appropriate.) Keri teared up and responded, "I wish I had died instead of her." The moment passed as I thought, "If Kylee had a choice between her or Keri dying, she totally would have picked herself. And Jesus has already picked himself to die in Keri's place. I so want her to believe the truth of that." Will you continue to pray for her salvation? This is a defining time for her... she is still so lost...

If Kylee had to define the message of her life, I think it would have gone a lot like the transcription that she wrote on a sketch of a baby resting in the Father's hands that she gave Erin last May: "Papa, hold us close. We are orphans, abandoned by our parents. We are helpless, naked, and alone. We are held together by your hand of GRACE." She wasn't afraid to identify the sadness in the world and wept regularly over sin and that things in this world aren't as He intended for them to be. She freely admitted her sinfulness, but didn't get stuck in despair over it. Instead she stood in awe of God's love and acceptance of her.

It reminds me of a time when Kylee was disciplining Lydia (5 now, perhaps 4 then?). Lydia told Kylee in a sincere and sorrowful tone, "Mommy, I'm trying so hard to be good, but sometimes I just can't do it. I keep doing bad things." Tearing up, Kylee held her close, cried with her, and said, "I know it's hard, Lydia. I can't do it either." So often we deny that we are in need, that we are helpless, fallen, stuck, powerless to become the people we want to be, the people God has created us to be... AND that's the end of the story. As was true about pretty much any conversation with Kylee, the end is that there is hope because of Jesus. We are in need, and He sustains us because He is good, merciful… As Tim Keller writes in The Prodigal God, "The prerequisite for receiving the grace of God is to know you need it." How beautiful that God loves us enough to show us over and over how much we fall short, how much we need Him. So He can reveal His grace all the more clearly. How beautiful that we were lucky enough to know an incredible woman who reminded us of this truth regularly.

"Thank you for giving to the Lord./I am a life that was changed./Thank you for giving to the Lord./I'm so glad you gave."

Celebration of Life

It rained and rained right before the funeral today. I think God was crying...

The auditorium, which holds 1,200 people, was quite full (maybe 900 people?). Another 400 joined via streaming online. The word on the street is that there is a celebration of Kylee page on facebook that has 1,200 friends just since her death on Wednesday. I am humbled by the impact God can have through one life.

Just before the service began, Renee came up behind me and hugged me. Tears streamed down my face as I sat in the pew. Already. It hadn't even started yet and I was crying... Rabecca put her arm around me as the ceremony started. (And held me when I wept after it was over.) I am thankful for so many who love and support me here.

I spent the last night with the Bryants, the college/young adult ministers at my church. I called them to ask them to pray for me because I have been having a really hard time sleeping (I keep crying and thinking of more memories of Kylee.) and wanted to ask them to pray for me before I went to bed. I also have not been to church since the end of Feburary since I've been sick for most of March and hoped Angie could keep an eye out for me on Sunday, that she'd purposefully hug me or love on me the following day. The Bryants ended up inviting me over to spend the night in their guest bedroom. They listened to stories of Kylee, held me while I wept, stroked my hair and prayed for me until my heart, mind, and body relaxed. Peace is a beautiful gift to give someone. The next day they drove me to church, and Angie held me and prayed for me again when I started weeping after Sunday School. A friend had touched my back on the way out of the room and said, "I'm sorry it's hard." And I had just lost it. I was exhausted, but decided to stay for just the worship part of the service. It was intense and real and deep. "Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, your perfect love is casting out fear..." I lost it again. "Oh no, you never let go, through the calm and through the storm, oh no, you never let go, Lord you never let go of me." Angie drove me home, and got me some lunch on the way back. Food is also a beautiful thing to give sad friends. That's just a few examples of so many ways that the Body is coming together and reaching out here...

But back to the funeral, or The Celebration of Kylee's Life. It really was a celebration. If she'd been able to plan it, she'd have had us dance tonight. One of the speakers mentioned this, though didn't quite dare to implement it. Kylee was such a goofy, fun, uninhibited dancer! I have thought of her dancing often over the last few days as an expression of her life and vitality. The night felt full, complete, peaceful as we fellowshiped and remembered her.

Shane was deeply touched as he expressed the honor it was to be her brother. Songs, slide shows, and other testimonies followed. A blog post that Kylee wrote about her longing for heaven showed how clearly she understood that our stay here is temporary, that our true Home is with God. Weeks earlier women in her small group had expressed fear of dying and who would take care of their children if they did. Kylee reassured them that they did not need to fear, telling them that her children were God's first before they were her's, and that if she died, she knew He would take care of them. Wow.

At one point, we were asked to raise our hands if we counted Kylee as one of our top ten friends in the world. As I raised my hand, I looked around at how a good third of the people in the front sections of the sanctuary had extended theirs as well. Wow. That's the kind of person that she was... she made everyone feel like they were her best friend, like they were extremely valuable, always worth spending time with. At least two people acknowledged that they did not get to spend as much time with Kylee as I had and that they wanted me to continue her legacy by teaching them the things she had taught me... Wow.

As part of the service, we were given papers to fill out about the first things we think of when we think of Kylee, specific memories of her, things she taught us... I loved that part. It is so easy to write about her. The stories flowed quickly from my pen. Later I hugged Matt, showed him my new nose (It's healing nicely.), and told him that whenever I'm scared or tempted to believe people don't love me, etc. I think of what she would say to me, that choosing to believe Truth and trust is the legacy that she's left for me. He said that was true of many who attended tonight. And that when he has three months of free time he looks forward to reading all the papers people filled out! He was touched so many people attended. Proud so many were involved online, through facebook. His first words to me during that hug were, "She was a beautiful woman. Beautiful in every way." That seems like a fitting way to end this post.

Pictures of the Bodens

I wanted to show you a few pictures of the Boden family. Above Lydia, Seth, and Sarai giggle for the camera one night while I was babysitting. You may remember this picture from my last newsletter.

Below Seth and Lydia are designing some Christmas cards at a Parents' Night Out the Media Division held this November. I sent out thank you notes just after Christmas that I wrote on cards that they designed. If you are a monthly supporter of mine, you have had a piece of their artwork in your home!!! Seth drew a Christmas tree and Lydia drew Jesus in the manger.

Here is a picture of the whole Boden family. What a blessing that a photographer friend of theirs got several high quality photos of them all together so recently! There are so many details, down to such small things that God has had planned and provided for! Sadly, I've looked through my files and I don't have a picture of me and Kylee. However, here is a picture of Kylee, her mom Linda, and Helen (her sister-in-law) at the bridal shower we threw for Helen at Kylee's home---Summer 2009. Linda has been divorced for years. Recently, in the last few months, she began dating Ed, a man that Kylee attests "is perfect for you, Mom!" Just a week or two before Kylee died, Linda and Ed engaged. What a beautiful moment that Kylee got to be a part of! She was SO EXCITED for her mom! Another major evidence of God's forethought and provision. His hand is all over the timing of her death. It is so evident how he hand picked the last interaction that each of us had with her according to what we most needed, what would inspire us most, what would reflect our relationship and her heart the most, help us grieve the most... Wow.

I was so blessed to meet weekly with Kylee for mentoring from January 2009 - May 2009. (She transitioned out of her part time counseling role that summer.) Do you realize how impactful that time was? How much she taught me? How deep the tears of sadness and celebration of victories we had together were? You are the reason for that. You are the reason that I got to move back to Florida by January 2009, drastically earlier than many of my fellow COAT program participants. The next members of my COAT class finishd fundraising and moved down in April, then May, and some are still support raising. Your eagerness to support my ministry and faithfulness in financially contributing made it possible for me to spend more time with this dear friend. From the bottom of my heart, I thank you.

Surgery Update

So I haven't really slept since I got home from the hospital (nasal fracture surgery) this afternoon, but I got to do some super deep just me and God crying about Kylee and ways that God is profoundly revealing His love for me and the intimacy and detail with which He loves each of us, which was something I really needed. I have cried hard and so many times with others just holding me... But this was even more profound, one of those things that isn't possible human-to-human. I needed that alone time so much... It is amazing how God provides... Both forms of grief have blessed me deeply. It is real and raw and freeing...

I actually started crying a lot at the hospital, too, once they started giving me pre-op meds/I was laying still for a while. I feel like I've been going, going, going as I text and call various people back, update the blog, cry with people. So many memories of her flood my mind. Though they bring much appreciation and joy concerning her life, it is draining, too. I recognized having the surgery today was a gift, to have time to be away from it all for a while... to go into a deep sleep. As my body relaxed, I wept.

My friend Sarah, who took me to the hospital, held my hand as my body shook gently with quiet tears. Not stifled, just quiet. She was the perfect person to be there, to hear deep things swirling around in my heart and just love me in that way. My two nurses waited a bit and then scurried in, assuring me it's okay to cry, that often whatever emotions are going on inside people really come out when the pre-op meds start going in, and also gave me something to relax me... It was nice that they knew why I was weeping, that I didn't have to explain...

Literally within two minutes of entering pre-op I noticed that the index sized card they had with my health info. on it said "Christian." I don't remember writing that on any forms. Just after that, my nurse asked me how I was doing as she took my weight and explained the urine sample procedures. "Tired and sad," I responded. "How come? Up late?" she questioned. "Well, I haven't slept a lot lately, but my friend just died Wednesday night." Given their field, they asked medical questions about the specifics. I mentioned a few ways God was moving to intentionally love each member of the family, to make sure they were taken care of... The nurse was enthralled and saw it completely as a story of hope and redemption and life. She was quite a character, a thin, tall African American woman who was a little louder, funnier, sillier than your average nurse. As she led me farther back into pre-op, she kept advocating that I, "Tell them the story! Tell them your story!" I was thinking how cool it was that even after Kylee's death people are drawn to her beauty, that she is someone everyone wants to get to know, that even sad stories about her endup ringing strong with themes of joy and life and hope. It was a blessing to be able to share a bit of her with them, so much so that I almost wonder if they'll end up at her memorial service. They asked when and where it was. Both Christians, they assured me they pray for their patients and would be praying for me. Also inspiring some intense laughter related to dentures, motorcycles, spontaneous singing, the name Eileen being a verb (I lean) and more, they were intensely compassionate when I started getting really tired lying on the bed as the tubes were hooked up and the IV inserted, as I started weeping as the medicine entered me... What a beautiful experience.

Leaving the hospital was dramatically different than when I left the ER this month.... I actually remember the experience! I stepped into the wheelchair on my own! My mind is alert and God is teaching me so much, constantly. My nose is almost undiscernably puffy, and back to it's normal straight, uncrooked self. The doctor determined it to be "a success." There are no bandages other than the one covering where the IV was inserted on my arm, just consistent thirst...I am parched. Another parallel to God...we are all thirsty for Him here, corporately seeing His hand all over the place! And what a blessing to be able to go to the celebration of Kylee's life service on Sunday! Considering present state of health, I see no reason why I won't be able to attend and am deeply grateful for your prayers to that end. Though it was highly unlikely that I would not be able to attend, it was still weighing on my mind before surgery. Please pray for rest during these next days, peace, sleep... for all of us here. Grief is horrible, beautiful, and exhausting.

Boden Update

Praise God for your prayers. He has shown himself clearly here... Many blessed me deeply as they came alongside of me in grief. I got to see Matt and the kids for a while at their home. When we arrived, they were in the van in the garage, packed up and ready to go take the kids to visit baby Caleb in the hospital for the first time. I poked my head in. I didn't know what to say, but the first thing that tumbled out of my mouth was, "Can I give you a hug?" His long legs quickly covered the few feet between him and I as I stood just outside the garage, in the front yard. He turned and his eyes saw me. A deep tiredness and sadness about him, they didn't perk up , and he didn't exclaim my name, "Joanne!" in greeting as he usually does. But he connected with me and instantly I was in a bear hug... and perhaps a second later he started weeping, sobbing, his body shaking... maybe another second passed and mine did, too.

I hadn't been sure if it would be okay to stop by, or even where they were (hospital, house he'd stayed at with his parents/extended family that night to be loved on and cry while others babysat the kids and let them get a full nights rest before he told them in the morning that Kylee had passed away). Joe Belzer encouraged me to go, even gave me keys to a truck to get there. He gave me a priceless gift in that. Somehow I needed permission or advise to know if it was okay, whether the best thing to do was to stay away and let this be immediate family time and that's what Matt needed most or to go. Joe said, "You love those kids. I know you want to see them. You're closer than family in some ways. Love would go." I was committed at that point. A friend drove me there as I wasn't sure how I'd react... it's hard to drive while you're weeping. What a gift in that act of service.

Shortly after I arrived, Matt and the kids left to visit baby Caleb in the hospital (along with Matt's sister and Dad I believe). They were excited they got to see him, touch him, kiss him, etc. They showed us baby bottles the nurses gave them to practice with on their dolls. Sarai (2) realized it was fun to take the top part of the bottle off and on. She had a hard time twisting and configuring the different pieces to go together to screw on appropriately. At some point someone put juice in it for her and she was enjoying (somewhat frustrated) at trying to get the juice out of the nipple and into her belly.

I saw in the playroom eating lunch with Lydia (5) and Sarai (2)...just me and them for a bit, a real treat. I asked Sarai if she wanted to read a book from the stack of newer toys on the mini picnic table. I was surprised, but she did, climbing into my lap and letting me cuddle her and love on her. That picture would have made Kylee happy. She loved it when I loved on those kids. It made me think of story time before bed when I babysit. I miss them... I haven't been able to babysit for two or three weeks because I've been sick and consequently haven't seen them as much as normal. Maybe God was protecting me through the prolonged healing process... it would have been so much harder if I'd hung out with them all Monday night and she died Wednesday. It was surreal how every page had a different Bible story on it....and every page Sarai flipped to was a story about weeping, mourning, death, or babies. Job, the wounded man lowered through the roof, Solomon being born, etc. A good seven or eight of them. For a second I hesitated in reading them given the circumstances. We talked about all the tears and how we thought the characters were feeling.

Earlier Lydia, who was coloring a few feet away and popped over occasionally to see the pictures in the book we were reading, had said, "Today is a sad day. Mommy died. She was really good to me." I agreed, holding back tears. When we talked about the tears in the illustrations of the Bible characters, Lydia began a discussion about how sometimes when we're sad we cry and sometimes we don't. Later, her friend Alexia from next door came over, and I overheard Lydia explain, "Today is a sad day. My mommy's brain stopped working. And when brains stop working, people die." Alexia affirmed that this was sad. "I cried this morning," Lydia explained. "I cried yesterday," Alexia responded. Their play continued. A few minutes later Sarai got ahold of a big, fat, jumbo black crayon and was coloring hard over the eyes and on the cheeks of a poster-sized Snow White. "Make sad people. I make sad people," she explained as she scribbled forcefully. A little later... "Today is sad and happy," Lydia reflected. "You're right," I responded, "I'm happy to see you, and sad about your mom." "Yeah," she explained, "I'm sad about my mom dying and happy she's in heaven." The lense of faith and emotional maturity through which these kids can see is incredible... what a legacy from their mother... how beautiful the simplicity and honesty of children...

These were a few of the most profound moments in those hours. I am thankful for your intercession, for the chance to be with them and it feel so right, so peaceful, so at home, so sad, so awful, so hopeful. Especially since I leave for the hospital in a half hour this morning (Friday) for nasal surgery... getting to see the kids before the "don't let anything touch your nose" period was priceless. Being somewhere familiar and loved and hearing people talk alternately about plans to be made and incredible memories of an incredible woman was profound. My soul needed that. I am overwhelmed at how intimately God has made clear his provision for each member of that family. How Matt, though grieving, sad, a slower pace, more of an observer and listener than his usual upbeat, engaging, relational self (at least during the short time I saw him) has a strength about him that can only come from Jesus, from the prayers of his people that are upholding him right now. What a gift to experience that. For Kylee's mom who recently got engaged to an incredible man---that Kylee got to meet him and affirm, "Mom, he's perfect for you!" just weeks ago. For Shane, Kylee's brother, who was married June 2009 (that Kylee got to be a part of that), separated fall 2009 (that Kylee got to speak truth into that), grew tremendously in maturity and humility and is constantly moving towards fuller restoration with his wife (that Kylee got to see that).

A few more prayer requests...

Pray for Keri, Kylee's sister, to come to know Jesus through this.

Pray for our missionaries overseas, who are sad and grieving as they are away from our community here. Praise that for the blessing of getting to talk to Susan last night (missionaries recently deployed to Mexico... you may remember me referring to her in my Ministry Presentation over Christmas as one of the hardest good-byes I've ever said... "It hurts to look at you!" she asserted. "This is the only context in which that is a compliment!" I declared, with tears in my eyes).

I just learned that the celebration of Kylee's life is Sunday at 5:00. Will you pray that I'm rested/recovered enough from surgery to attend, be fully present at it? That would mean the world to me!

Love,

Joanne

Health Update/Kylee

dear prayer partners,

i need you. please interceed. these next weeks will be hard, possibly more so than the last few. pray for our community----we have experienced several deaths lately (mostly extended family of affiliates, as well as two affiliates) and much sickness (mostly minor, but exhausting/lingering illness). we are tired and broken. there is such potential for deeper community to be forged among us... will you hold us up in prayer? i can not tell you how thankful i am for you... a few years older than me, one of my closest friends passed away unexpectedly and shortly after giving childbirth yesterday via emergency c-section (due mid-april). she leaves an incredible husband, twin five year olds, a 2.5 year old, and a healthy newborn. they are mentors to me, the people who have taught me most about god ever. kylee and matt....i'm sure you've heard me mention them. i babysit for them when they go to small group on mondays, have done so weekly since june. i love each member of their family deeply. i found out kylee passed away last night and have a mix of deep crying and pain, almost numbness with no tears, and joy in remembering her silly dancing, incredible parenting skills, deep compassion and selflessness, the incredible way she could speak into people's lives to encourage deeply and specifically/ point out lies we believe in a gentle yet authoritative way because she knew truth/believed that god is real and who his word says he is. i have never met anyone like her, with that mix of mercy/compassion and wisdom/prophecy. they need your intercession.

pray that i will not withdraw from the community here as i grieve and that i will not stuff down the pain. perhaps, too, that will get a lot of crying done today, as i have a minor, outpatient surgery scheduled for tomorrow (friday) to correct a nasal fracture and am "not supposed to touch my nose even to blow it" for a week until the follow up appointment. sounds tricky to do when you're crying. :0) i also have a precautionary/let's just chat appointment with a neurologist on the 26th. these events are follow up to events occuring late march 3/early march 4 when i had food poisening/diarreah/vomiting/passed out twice and fell and hit my head/passed out six more times in the next two hours/had a panic attack (heavy breathing/thought i was shaking a lot)/went to the ER. though i have mostly been sleeping/resting since then, i am slowly returning to work for a few more hours each day....made it up to a half day yesterday. praise for friends who have stuck by me and shown me jesus in profound and life-changing ways, for experiencing his presence and love in so many ways, for finances to cover unexpected costs, for extremely gracious and encouraging coworkers/boss/flexibility with time off. pray for continued physical and emotional healing---god continues to teach me about helplessness, security, submission, humility, fear and trust, etc. there are some HUGE strongholds in my life that he is breaking in these life-changing weeks; the battle is intense.

these verses have stuck out to me since the beginning of the year, and i have them written on a markerboard in my room. every time i look over there they seem to apply. so is the case again:

"for i am poor and needy, and my heart is wounded within me" --ps. 109:22

"he brought them out of the deepest gloom and broke away their chains."

ps. 107:14 will you bring (me, them, us) to a place of abundance? (ps. 66:12)

you do not abandon the work of your hands (ps 138:8)

love,
joanne