Surgery Update

So I haven't really slept since I got home from the hospital (nasal fracture surgery) this afternoon, but I got to do some super deep just me and God crying about Kylee and ways that God is profoundly revealing His love for me and the intimacy and detail with which He loves each of us, which was something I really needed. I have cried hard and so many times with others just holding me... But this was even more profound, one of those things that isn't possible human-to-human. I needed that alone time so much... It is amazing how God provides... Both forms of grief have blessed me deeply. It is real and raw and freeing...

I actually started crying a lot at the hospital, too, once they started giving me pre-op meds/I was laying still for a while. I feel like I've been going, going, going as I text and call various people back, update the blog, cry with people. So many memories of her flood my mind. Though they bring much appreciation and joy concerning her life, it is draining, too. I recognized having the surgery today was a gift, to have time to be away from it all for a while... to go into a deep sleep. As my body relaxed, I wept.

My friend Sarah, who took me to the hospital, held my hand as my body shook gently with quiet tears. Not stifled, just quiet. She was the perfect person to be there, to hear deep things swirling around in my heart and just love me in that way. My two nurses waited a bit and then scurried in, assuring me it's okay to cry, that often whatever emotions are going on inside people really come out when the pre-op meds start going in, and also gave me something to relax me... It was nice that they knew why I was weeping, that I didn't have to explain...

Literally within two minutes of entering pre-op I noticed that the index sized card they had with my health info. on it said "Christian." I don't remember writing that on any forms. Just after that, my nurse asked me how I was doing as she took my weight and explained the urine sample procedures. "Tired and sad," I responded. "How come? Up late?" she questioned. "Well, I haven't slept a lot lately, but my friend just died Wednesday night." Given their field, they asked medical questions about the specifics. I mentioned a few ways God was moving to intentionally love each member of the family, to make sure they were taken care of... The nurse was enthralled and saw it completely as a story of hope and redemption and life. She was quite a character, a thin, tall African American woman who was a little louder, funnier, sillier than your average nurse. As she led me farther back into pre-op, she kept advocating that I, "Tell them the story! Tell them your story!" I was thinking how cool it was that even after Kylee's death people are drawn to her beauty, that she is someone everyone wants to get to know, that even sad stories about her endup ringing strong with themes of joy and life and hope. It was a blessing to be able to share a bit of her with them, so much so that I almost wonder if they'll end up at her memorial service. They asked when and where it was. Both Christians, they assured me they pray for their patients and would be praying for me. Also inspiring some intense laughter related to dentures, motorcycles, spontaneous singing, the name Eileen being a verb (I lean) and more, they were intensely compassionate when I started getting really tired lying on the bed as the tubes were hooked up and the IV inserted, as I started weeping as the medicine entered me... What a beautiful experience.

Leaving the hospital was dramatically different than when I left the ER this month.... I actually remember the experience! I stepped into the wheelchair on my own! My mind is alert and God is teaching me so much, constantly. My nose is almost undiscernably puffy, and back to it's normal straight, uncrooked self. The doctor determined it to be "a success." There are no bandages other than the one covering where the IV was inserted on my arm, just consistent thirst...I am parched. Another parallel to God...we are all thirsty for Him here, corporately seeing His hand all over the place! And what a blessing to be able to go to the celebration of Kylee's life service on Sunday! Considering present state of health, I see no reason why I won't be able to attend and am deeply grateful for your prayers to that end. Though it was highly unlikely that I would not be able to attend, it was still weighing on my mind before surgery. Please pray for rest during these next days, peace, sleep... for all of us here. Grief is horrible, beautiful, and exhausting.