The Last of the Tests

On Monday I had an echo cardiogram of my heart. Basically, I got to see what my heart looks like while it's beating inside of me on a monitor next to the bed where I was laying. It was like an ultrasound, I'm told. I learned that my heart is much closer to the left side of my chest than I realized! For some reason, I always figured it was in the middle of my chest. Directly after the echo cardiogram, I was given a Holter heart monitor (see pictures below). I wore it for 24 hours, and the display counted down by minutes until the time when I could take it off. As I prepared my lunch that day, I snagged the cord on a drawer in the kitchen. A few minutes later I looked down and thought I'd broken the monitor because the display was blank. I rushed to the bathroom to check all the wires (there were five) and see if anything had come unplugged only to remember that my time was up at 11:51am, and the monitor had shut itself off. Whew! I also learned that white tabs that hook on heart monitors have extremely sticky adhesive (some of it is still stuck to me, and I have been scrubbing it faithfully) and hurt about ten times more than pulling off a band-aid when they are removed. Ouch! The hardest part was pushing the little yellow button on the monitor each time that I felt dizzy. The frequency of it made me feel helpless. On the positive side, I got my blood drawn Tuesday and consequently have now officially finished all medical tests that my primary doctor, neurologist, and cardiologist have ordered. Now I am moving on to follow-up doctor appointments! Yay!

Cardiologist Appointment

I met with the cardiologist today. Jen, my coworker and friend who has a nursing background, came with me. She helped me explain the particulars of what we learned below...

The cardiologist said I experience a common thing called vasovagal response. It can easily lead to fainting, and it is the most common cause of fainting. (The vagus nerve controls involuntary processes for all the organs in the chest and abdomen.) I do not need a pacemaker or medication. Many people live with this, and it is controlled best through behavioral responses, such as staying extremely hydrated, sitting down when I'm dizzy, and changing positions slowly (sitting to standing, laying to standing). The cardiologist said that stress, pain, nausea and vomiting, or "quick trips to urinate at night" can trigger a vasovagal response. He actually said that part in quotes, which made me laugh! We are looking into any metabolic cause for the fatigue I've felt the last two months as well.

Today I had an EKG in his office, which shows the electrical pattern of my heartbeats. He found nothing noteworthy. His main comment was that my pulse was low (46), which "sometimes happens with young men who exercise a lot." It didn't concern him much because I'm also young and healthy. He ordered an echo-cardiogram to verify that the structure of my heart is good and asked me to wear a Holter heart monitor for 24 hours to see what my heart rate looks like at various points during a regular day. He also ordered some blood work.

Of all the problems my doctors have searched for, this is one of the best possible outcomes. It seems easy to manage, and I understand what to do when I experience symptoms.

Find out more on the Mayo Clinic website: http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/vasovagal-syncope/DS00806

Upcoming dates of note:

April 22--EKG

April 26--echo cardiogram

April 26--wear a Holter monitor

April 30--follow up with neurologist

April 30--follow up with primary doctor

May 14---foll0w up with cardiologist

TILT Test

Dear friends and prayer warriors,

This morning was the TILT test. It was more exciting than the EEG. I passed out with both really low blood pressure and a really low heart rate at the same time. Despite the fact that half of the people that take the test pass out, I totally scared the doctors and nurses, especially since there was no warning that I was about to pass out. I myself was doing alright though, other than not being sure where I was when I first woke up... I thought I was in a scene in a movie or a medical TV show with people gathered all around me shouting, etc. It was nice to pass out and not feel the fear and panic I felt when I passed out several times the night I went to the ER. I was belted to a board during the test, so I was secure and there was no risk of falling, of hitting my nose. The people around me took really good care of me, were really compassionate.

As it turns out, my heart rate was in the 60's just before I passed out, and it suddenly dropped to zero. (That's why they were alarmed.) Usually people's heart rate drops gradually when they pass out during this test. My heart stopped for six seconds, but it also went back to beating normally on its own without assistance of any sort. There was talk of taking me to a hospital via EMT, more heart testing, pacemakers and such right after the frenzy of excitement, but it died down after the doctor administering the TILT test spoke with a cardiologist who deals specifically with arrhythmia (irregular heart beats) on the phone. This specialist didn't seem to worried, as he's seen hearts stop for 15 seconds before. I have an appointment with this specialist Thursday this week, which will likely lead to more tests of some sort and possibly medication. Apparently he's very hard to get in to see, so this appointment is a special blessing.

Thank you for your prayers during this time of uncertainty, tiredness, waiting... I have a follow-up appointment with the neurologist on April 30, but it seems unlikely that anything is wrong with my brain. Praise God for that! And that more answers are coming!

Love,

Joanne

Life Goes On

A typical NMSI Saturday has the guys playing basketball at the park while several moms and kids chat and play at the playground there, followed by a potluck style brunch at the Fosters' house just a block or two away. The Fosters just got back into town from support raising and classes at MTI (Missionary Training International) in preparation to move to Kenya, so there wasn't brunch this week, but the other activities have resumed. Matt loves playing basketball, but he wasn't able to come this week because he's been feeling sick---throwing up and such. Turns out he slept for 30 hours and is feeling a lot better now. He's going to the CLA, a Christian leadership conference, this week---leaving Sunday and returning on Thursday. Will you pray that this would be a time of rest and refreshment for him? Joe Belzer is his roommate there---can't think of a better person for the job. Matt says he's looking forward to swimming in the pool at the hotel, maybe getting a massage, sleeping through the night because he won't have to wake up to feed Caleb, and attending a session here and there since he already paid for them. He is the head of our HR division.

This morning, just shortly after I arrived at the park, the kids were shouting my name in greeting, calling me over to where they were and showing me all kinds of cool tricks they can do on the swings, the monkey bars, etc. After pushing Seth (5) for a few minutes on the swing "as high as it would go" he said, "Joanne, do you know that I want you to marry Daddy?" I didn't know what to say. He repeated himself, wanting a response. "No, I didn't know that until you told me," I replied. Looking around the park, I realized a lot of the women in his life right now were married. Danielle, one of Kylee's best friends, is married and has kids that Seth loves playing with. Joy, Matt's sister, is married and Seth loves playing with his cousin Joshua, too. Two of the other main players are his grandmas. They were the only other women around right then. "Well, I do. I want you to marry Daddy" Seth affirmed. "I love your Daddy and you guys a whole bunch" I told him, still not sure if that was the right thing to say but knowing that it's true. The conversation ended there, as play continued to incorporate restaurant themes, pirate ships, tag, climbing on anything that looked remotely like a tree, etc.

A little while later Sarai (2.5 years old) was playing baby with the Bodens' next door neighbor who had come to the park with them. "I want Mommy," she stated. "Your Mommy is dead" the other girl reminded her. Sarai paused for a second. "I want Daddy," she stated. "Daddy is at home because he doesn't feel good," I explained... I thought about a story someone else had relayed to me... A few days ago, perhaps for the first time since Kylee's death, Sarai spontaneously stated, "My mommy is dead" in the car on their way home. "I know," her cousin Joshua affirmed.

I am amazed at how matter of factly and openly kids talk about death, about pain. I love that they just say whatever they're thinking, sometimes trying it on for size, testing it out, saying it to see what kind of reaction they'll get, seeing if it's true or not. Reminding us both that it really happened, that Kylee is really gone, and that life goes on. Matt said that a lot of times kids do more of their grieving later, as they grow older. Another friend explained that grief is kind of like a book that kids open once in a while to flip through, close again, and take back out later to look through some more. That it's a gift God gives them to not be aware of the full weight of it all right now because it would be too much for them, that they realize different aspects of what Kylee's death means for their lives, for their futures a little at a time. Just more evidence that God is good and knows how much we can handle and how quickly.

Later that same day (today actually) Matt told me I could keep Kylee's bike, that it was her gift to me. If you recall, she'd lent it to me to train for the bike-a-thon earlier this year. I thought he'd probably say that, but it was still a big deal when it happened. The experiences of the day really hit home for me as I drove home shortly after that interaction with him (to go on a bike ride with my friend Angela, actually). Sometimes it's so obvious that Kylees gone and not going to come back, something that's totally on my radar in day to day life. Thinking about Matt and the kids and how they're doing, or about how Kylee would really "get" that a certain experience was a huge personal milestone of growth for me in a way that no one else on Earth really does/could/will. Other times her death just sneaks up on me, like it did at the park when Seth told me he wanted me to marry Matt. It really happened. She's really gone. No more hugs. No more conversations. No more tears together. No more mom for her kids. No more wife for Matt. Not hearing her laugh again... All five years old and under, in all likelihood, her children won't remember her despite the fact that she was an incredible mom and fully invested herself in their lives, pouring her heart into loving them. It's just weird to think about. And life goes on...

EEG Eve

I made up a holiday called EEG Eve last night and recruited a few friends to help me stay awake until 2am. Today I was scheduled for a sleep deprived EEG, so I couldn't sleep more than four hours in the 24 hours before the test and had to stay awake for the two hours before the test as well. I was thankful that they helped me stay awake (I yawned A LOT!) and also that they made an unfavorable experience into something enjoyable! I am constantly being amazed by how people here are willing to step up and love me in sacrificial ways when I tell them what I need, especially Ryan and Tim in recent weeks. Sleep is a precious thing to sacrifice for someone else's benefit! Tim drove me to the doctor one day last week when I was feeling really dizzy and Ryan got back up at 6am this morning to go on a walk with me so I wouldn't fall asleep between the time I needed to wake up and the time of my EEG (It's a lot harder to fall asleep when you're moving!). We have some quality, godly guys that work here, and it's refreshing to see men love others in selfless, sacrificial ways. That is not something I often expect of men or something that's common place in the world at large, which makes it even more beautiful, even more meaningful. It's neat how God communicates powerfully through them to teach me more about his character, about how he does not abandon us when we are in need, about how it's safe to submit to the care of others, about trust. Of course, they just say, "That's what friends are for." They're some quality people!




The EEG itself went well, didn't scare me like the MRI did. While I felt awful (dizzy) for the rest of the day after the MRI, I was just tired after the EEG. And I had some crazy hair (see picture!) afterwards from the gel they used. I've never had anyone draw on my head before (they did it to mark the location of where the sensors should go)! And they used some gel that was like a combination of clay and glue to connect the sensors and wires to my head. There was even a strobe light involved! And I dare you to try purposefully hyperventilating for three minutes, breathing really deeply and more quickly than normal. It's hard (and was part of the test)! Those were the highlights of the experience. Thanks for keeping up with my health adventures and praying for me. I appreciate you!!

I'm a little disapointed in the picture...it looked crazier in person :0)

Kristy's Wedding

Last week I did not have any doctor's appointments. That seems quite unique given the events of the last month. It was one of many blessings that week, as I finished pricing, purchasing, and preparing food for Kristy's wedding reception (she is one of my roommates). Some of the drinks had to be prepared beforehand; part of the punch required the use of a blender (can't tell you how much I've fallen in love with blenders lately! I LOVE making soups and smoothies in them!) and Abigail prepared the sweet tea beforehand because we have the supplies here, and she was a bridesmaid and would be busy the day of the wedding (she's a sweet tea expert as well as the one bridesmaid pictured below!).

As it turns out, seven houses on campus and two houses off campus were involved in the get-food-ready-for-Kristy's-wedding process, whether it be because they let me borrow their serving utensils, pitchers, punch bowls, and coolers, or because they let me store things in their refrigerators and freezers. In this way and many others, Kristy and Adam's wedding was an expression of community. So many came together to get so much done! On the day of the wedding, I wrote out instructions for what needed to happen in the kitchen during the hour before the reception started. I reminded me of how much I love curriculum mapping and lesson planning, figuring out how long things will take, what order to do them in, and how to explain them clearly. Ryan and several others stepped up to manage affairs there so that I could attend the wedding itself, which was a very small gathering, maybe 30 people on the beach at Sanibel, while the reception was more like 85. I was surprised and honored to be able to attend.

Though they have been dating for about two years, Kristy and Adam were engaged just a few months ago, shortly before leaving on a month-long project to Africa to plan for summer internships and encourage missionaries on the field there. Consequently, there was a lot to be done in the few weeks after they got back. Despite the recent deaths of two of our affiliates and several family members of affiliates here in the last few weeks, our community pulled together to make this a special day for the Griffiths. So many people helped in so many ways; it wasn't just happening in the kitchen with the food.

I love how God knew that this wedding would follow two funerals. I love how he brings great joy in the midst of great sorrow, how he knows exactly how much we can bear. How his timing is so perfect, how he has given us so many opportunities to rally together and love each other well over the last month and a half. We are a closer knit community because of it.

There were several personal milestones of freedom associated with Kristy's wedding and the shower and celebratory events preceding it. One was that I had a BLAST dancing at the reception! Absolutely LOVED it! I've never been one to favor dancing in public, often just barely swaying when people pull me out on the floor with them. I actually remember a friend's birthday party last summer during which I conceded to a little swaying and that was it. Afterwards I commented, "I think I'll really love dancing when I get a little free-er." I was right. I didn't think it would happen quite so soon. But this weekend I voluntarily entered the merriment on the dance floor and fully engaged and was alive and silly and joyful, and it was so freeing! And it wasn't just for one song, it was for the whole night! What a beautiful thing to feel that safe and comfortable around my friends here.

I can't help but think that this dancing experience would have made Kylee smile. She would have been so excited for me, known it was a really big deal for me. I love how she knew me so well... And she was a crazy, fun dancer. Oh how it would have been fun to dance with her that night! In a way, the dancing was evidence that God really is doing a major freeing work in me, that I'm not making it up, that it really will "stick," that I'll never be the same as I was before March 2010, and that will be a really, really good thing. I love how he reminds me of his faithfulness like that. He just keeps blessing me. The hard things of life just keep coming, but he just keeps blessing me. One day we won't be amazed that he's that good to us; we'll know it deep in the core of our souls----there will be no doubt, no unbelief. Just faith. Just wholeness. Kylee has that right now, and that's a beautiful thing!

My Birthday

Dear friends, thank you for the cards, e-mails, texts, phone calls, gifts, and flowers! I have a whole garden now, I think! The night before and morning of my birthday were rough. Everything in me wanted to run away. But the day started out with my Media co-workers cheerfully greeting me, "HAPPY Birthday!" as I entered the office, followed by a really big hug from Shane and reminder of truth that God does not abandon His people and will not prompt His people to abandon me. The love continued to flow as I sat by Jen S. at devos and was hugged and loved on well through the completion of the meeting/gathering. I needed to be held like that. So by 9:00 my birthday morning my heart had calmed down, and I thought, "If no one said anything else to me about my birthday and everything else today was just like any other ordinary day, I could already say that God loved me really well today, that I feel really special and cared for. I was not forgotten!" It reminded me of a quote from a book I started reading this week (People of the Lie by M. Scott Peck), "Healing is the result of love. It is a function of love. Wherever there is love there is healing." Thank you for being a part of my healing through the many ways you expressed your love for me in the last few days!


Following devos, Renee gave me a silly crown and earrings to wear on my special day. Then we took a bunch of pictures. The card she gave me read, "Hysteria--it's an acquired taste." Inside she wrote, "Joanne, I so love that you are hilarious! You bring such beautiful life to us!" What a fun gift! I love silly things, and I love taking silly pictures! I felt really known by her! The earrings were particularly funny because my hair covered them up, so it was like a secret gift...I was the only one that knew they were there!


I wore both the earrings and the crown when I took our latest shipment of missionary newsletters to the bulk mail that morning. I almost took them off, but then I thought, "Leaving them on will be so much more fun!" I got a few comments from postal workers...


This gift really made me feel special! Flowers from the outside world (i.e. not NMSI)! WOW! They are absolutely beautiful and from a dear friend from college. I don't think I've ever had flowers delivered to me like that! How fun! They're really bright and springy, too!!

More flowers! Not only are these my favorite kind of flower ever (Gerber daisies) and bright and springy, too...they had a cool, tall, square vase, fun spirally wood pieces coming up that were kind of bouncy and joyful....and they were delivered via secret plot! Another friend of mine from college (Beth Rozier/West) knows my co-worker Ryan and had him pick up flowers and cupcakes that she ordered for me and put them on my desk. How fun is that!?! So pre-meditated and so thoughtful! She tried to find places that were really close by our office, so that he didn't have to travel far, and the florist she chose is one of the tenants on the first floor of our office building who is regularly involved in NMSI life. How fun is that!?!

My roommates Kristy and Abigail and I had a tasty birthday dinner at Cracker Barrel. I love sides! I love small groups! And I love those girls! Kristy is getting married on April 10 and also has the same birthday as me (April 1)! We threw a joint party at our house after our Cracker Barrel meal---a game night with desserts. Shane made some of his incredible chocolate chip cookies in our kitchen as the party progressed, my Media friends delivered a special card they got 15 or 20 people in the office to sign, and a few friends from church stopped over, too. It was a joyful time! Perhaps one of the most profound times I've felt like this is home, as people lounged in the living room, played games in the dining room, chatted and munched on goodies in the kitchen. Though I've experienced that "home" feeling in one-on-one interactions with people or at the Bodens' house before, this was one of the first times I've had that "home" feeling in a larger group of NMSI people. It was really peaceful and right. The feeling of inclusion was strong. And physically symbolized through the card so many people had signed...

The card read, "Joanne, we just know you love corny jokes...but we also want you to know that we love you and are EAR for you! Happy birthday!" It had a picture of a corn husk on the front and totally made me smile! I do love laughing! And I love how deeply God has used people in this community to uphold me, love me, and encourage me during the last month. March has been HARD. But, just as the card said, I am learning more and more how EAR people are for me. That I am really, really loved. That I am safe. I am choosing trust more and more often. I am humbling myself and asking for help. I think that would really make Kylee smile.

Through her death, I have had several deep, deep experiences of community. Last Saturday Tim helped me change the flat tire on my bike. About a half hour after I asked for him to help me, I went back to his office and told him there would probably be tears involved: it is Kylee's bike. Early in January, when I was training for the bike-a-thon, she lent it to me. She wanted me to be able to use it because she was pregnant and "not going to be needing it right now." Also, the bike I had been using was a child's bike and had been falling apart in various ways, so she wanted me to have the best quality during my long training rides. Just before I got sick and went to the ER, I had gotten a flat tire. Consequently, I hadn't thought much about it lately or had a chance to change it yet. I knew the experience would be hard because Kylee's bike is a symbol of her selflessness in our friendship as well as her deep belief in me, that I can do so much more than I think I can. One of my journal entries over the last few weeks reads, "I want someone to be proud of me for all this trusting. And my cheerleader is gone. Will you bring me another one? Will you prepare me as others that I am close to leave? Will you show me how STRONG your love for me is?" Kylee had been encouraging me to do a triathlon since September or October, long before I ever realized that I had the endurance and discipline it takes to bike 50 miles or run 13, as I discovered in the spring. I think she believed in me more than anyone else in my life ever has. What a beautiful gift!

I did pretty good while Tim fixed the tire, but I lost it when I actually sat on the bike. I miss her a lot. Tears flowed. Then we went on a bike ride together. It was beautiful and sunny and freeing! I didn't want to be alone for this first ride and had asked him to come along. That would have made Kylee smile, too! I felt really taken care of that day. God continues to highlight different ways I can ask people to enter the grieving process with me, ways I can invite others to love me well, fighting isolation by being honest about my fear and pain and admitting that I am helpless, lonely, weak, that I need people, need love.

Joe and Jennie Belzer independently pointed me towards Hebrews 12, where it talks about how God shakes everything in our lives so that only what can not be shaken remains. The last month has been full of great shaking and major life events (ER visit, nasal surgery, major medical tests, Kylee and John dieing, Kristy getting married, my birthday, various roommates and guests moving in and out of our house). I literally felt the shaking during my MRI yesterday. My face was shaking. My heart was shaking. Afterwards my body looked still, but my insides were still swaying. In many ways, my insides are still swaying from the events of the past month. But He is strong, firm, and steadfast. As it says in Leviticus 26:13, " I am the LORD your God, who brought you out of Egypt so that you would no longer be slaves to the Egyptians; I broke the bars of your yoke and enabled you to walk with heads held high." God continues to break down major strongholds in my life. And as hard as that process is, it is something worth celebrating. It makes me think of the birthday card my sister sent me that has a squid on the front and reads, "Throw your tentacles in the air! Wave 'em like you just don't care! Hope your birthday is one big party!" Such joy and peace and abundance is just around the corner. I can feel it coming, see it starting to show itself. Freedom is in the air... He is powerful, mighty, and in control!

And as for my birthday, I love how God just kept bringing more and more blessing throughout the day. Whenever I thought all the most profoundly touching things had already occurred and the rest of the day would be average, He was like, "Nope, they're still coming!" When we were cleaning up in the kitchen I was going to let something soak in the sink, so I turned the water on to fill up the dish and went to the other side of the kitchen to gather a few dishes. I looked back and exclaimed, "Look, my cup runneth over!" as the water spilled over the sides of the cup I had left in the sink! So true. As I lay in bed journaling that night, I couldn't stop thinking of ways that God blessed me that day. There were SO MANY. Thank you for being a part of the transforming work that God is doing in my life, for filling up my cup through your love and encouragement!! Just as the quote I mentioned at the beginning of this post says, your love is healing me. It is beautiful and humbling.