My Birthday

Dear friends, thank you for the cards, e-mails, texts, phone calls, gifts, and flowers! I have a whole garden now, I think! The night before and morning of my birthday were rough. Everything in me wanted to run away. But the day started out with my Media co-workers cheerfully greeting me, "HAPPY Birthday!" as I entered the office, followed by a really big hug from Shane and reminder of truth that God does not abandon His people and will not prompt His people to abandon me. The love continued to flow as I sat by Jen S. at devos and was hugged and loved on well through the completion of the meeting/gathering. I needed to be held like that. So by 9:00 my birthday morning my heart had calmed down, and I thought, "If no one said anything else to me about my birthday and everything else today was just like any other ordinary day, I could already say that God loved me really well today, that I feel really special and cared for. I was not forgotten!" It reminded me of a quote from a book I started reading this week (People of the Lie by M. Scott Peck), "Healing is the result of love. It is a function of love. Wherever there is love there is healing." Thank you for being a part of my healing through the many ways you expressed your love for me in the last few days!


Following devos, Renee gave me a silly crown and earrings to wear on my special day. Then we took a bunch of pictures. The card she gave me read, "Hysteria--it's an acquired taste." Inside she wrote, "Joanne, I so love that you are hilarious! You bring such beautiful life to us!" What a fun gift! I love silly things, and I love taking silly pictures! I felt really known by her! The earrings were particularly funny because my hair covered them up, so it was like a secret gift...I was the only one that knew they were there!


I wore both the earrings and the crown when I took our latest shipment of missionary newsletters to the bulk mail that morning. I almost took them off, but then I thought, "Leaving them on will be so much more fun!" I got a few comments from postal workers...


This gift really made me feel special! Flowers from the outside world (i.e. not NMSI)! WOW! They are absolutely beautiful and from a dear friend from college. I don't think I've ever had flowers delivered to me like that! How fun! They're really bright and springy, too!!

More flowers! Not only are these my favorite kind of flower ever (Gerber daisies) and bright and springy, too...they had a cool, tall, square vase, fun spirally wood pieces coming up that were kind of bouncy and joyful....and they were delivered via secret plot! Another friend of mine from college (Beth Rozier/West) knows my co-worker Ryan and had him pick up flowers and cupcakes that she ordered for me and put them on my desk. How fun is that!?! So pre-meditated and so thoughtful! She tried to find places that were really close by our office, so that he didn't have to travel far, and the florist she chose is one of the tenants on the first floor of our office building who is regularly involved in NMSI life. How fun is that!?!

My roommates Kristy and Abigail and I had a tasty birthday dinner at Cracker Barrel. I love sides! I love small groups! And I love those girls! Kristy is getting married on April 10 and also has the same birthday as me (April 1)! We threw a joint party at our house after our Cracker Barrel meal---a game night with desserts. Shane made some of his incredible chocolate chip cookies in our kitchen as the party progressed, my Media friends delivered a special card they got 15 or 20 people in the office to sign, and a few friends from church stopped over, too. It was a joyful time! Perhaps one of the most profound times I've felt like this is home, as people lounged in the living room, played games in the dining room, chatted and munched on goodies in the kitchen. Though I've experienced that "home" feeling in one-on-one interactions with people or at the Bodens' house before, this was one of the first times I've had that "home" feeling in a larger group of NMSI people. It was really peaceful and right. The feeling of inclusion was strong. And physically symbolized through the card so many people had signed...

The card read, "Joanne, we just know you love corny jokes...but we also want you to know that we love you and are EAR for you! Happy birthday!" It had a picture of a corn husk on the front and totally made me smile! I do love laughing! And I love how deeply God has used people in this community to uphold me, love me, and encourage me during the last month. March has been HARD. But, just as the card said, I am learning more and more how EAR people are for me. That I am really, really loved. That I am safe. I am choosing trust more and more often. I am humbling myself and asking for help. I think that would really make Kylee smile.

Through her death, I have had several deep, deep experiences of community. Last Saturday Tim helped me change the flat tire on my bike. About a half hour after I asked for him to help me, I went back to his office and told him there would probably be tears involved: it is Kylee's bike. Early in January, when I was training for the bike-a-thon, she lent it to me. She wanted me to be able to use it because she was pregnant and "not going to be needing it right now." Also, the bike I had been using was a child's bike and had been falling apart in various ways, so she wanted me to have the best quality during my long training rides. Just before I got sick and went to the ER, I had gotten a flat tire. Consequently, I hadn't thought much about it lately or had a chance to change it yet. I knew the experience would be hard because Kylee's bike is a symbol of her selflessness in our friendship as well as her deep belief in me, that I can do so much more than I think I can. One of my journal entries over the last few weeks reads, "I want someone to be proud of me for all this trusting. And my cheerleader is gone. Will you bring me another one? Will you prepare me as others that I am close to leave? Will you show me how STRONG your love for me is?" Kylee had been encouraging me to do a triathlon since September or October, long before I ever realized that I had the endurance and discipline it takes to bike 50 miles or run 13, as I discovered in the spring. I think she believed in me more than anyone else in my life ever has. What a beautiful gift!

I did pretty good while Tim fixed the tire, but I lost it when I actually sat on the bike. I miss her a lot. Tears flowed. Then we went on a bike ride together. It was beautiful and sunny and freeing! I didn't want to be alone for this first ride and had asked him to come along. That would have made Kylee smile, too! I felt really taken care of that day. God continues to highlight different ways I can ask people to enter the grieving process with me, ways I can invite others to love me well, fighting isolation by being honest about my fear and pain and admitting that I am helpless, lonely, weak, that I need people, need love.

Joe and Jennie Belzer independently pointed me towards Hebrews 12, where it talks about how God shakes everything in our lives so that only what can not be shaken remains. The last month has been full of great shaking and major life events (ER visit, nasal surgery, major medical tests, Kylee and John dieing, Kristy getting married, my birthday, various roommates and guests moving in and out of our house). I literally felt the shaking during my MRI yesterday. My face was shaking. My heart was shaking. Afterwards my body looked still, but my insides were still swaying. In many ways, my insides are still swaying from the events of the past month. But He is strong, firm, and steadfast. As it says in Leviticus 26:13, " I am the LORD your God, who brought you out of Egypt so that you would no longer be slaves to the Egyptians; I broke the bars of your yoke and enabled you to walk with heads held high." God continues to break down major strongholds in my life. And as hard as that process is, it is something worth celebrating. It makes me think of the birthday card my sister sent me that has a squid on the front and reads, "Throw your tentacles in the air! Wave 'em like you just don't care! Hope your birthday is one big party!" Such joy and peace and abundance is just around the corner. I can feel it coming, see it starting to show itself. Freedom is in the air... He is powerful, mighty, and in control!

And as for my birthday, I love how God just kept bringing more and more blessing throughout the day. Whenever I thought all the most profoundly touching things had already occurred and the rest of the day would be average, He was like, "Nope, they're still coming!" When we were cleaning up in the kitchen I was going to let something soak in the sink, so I turned the water on to fill up the dish and went to the other side of the kitchen to gather a few dishes. I looked back and exclaimed, "Look, my cup runneth over!" as the water spilled over the sides of the cup I had left in the sink! So true. As I lay in bed journaling that night, I couldn't stop thinking of ways that God blessed me that day. There were SO MANY. Thank you for being a part of the transforming work that God is doing in my life, for filling up my cup through your love and encouragement!! Just as the quote I mentioned at the beginning of this post says, your love is healing me. It is beautiful and humbling.