What I Can't Do, Confessions of a Pride-aholic

A bit from my monthly e-mail update because some of you who read this do not get those...

In her Bible study on the book of Daniel, Beth Moore wrote that, “Satan recognizes the treasures God has given us more than we do.” He tries to convince us that we’re bad at the very things that we’re really good at. Satan has been trying to convince me that I’m not good at loving people, but God has been using this last month to affirm that He has gifted me in this area.

Not only that, God’s been pointing out ways that I’m prideful in how I love others (keep praying against that!), so that I can become more effective in ministry. When I try to take on things that are God’s job and not mine, I put a lot of pressure on myself, get tired from working so hard, and feel like a failure (no one on earth can fill His shoes!). When blame myself and don’t recognize what choices the other person is responsible for making, I prevent others from taking ownership of their sin and reduce the potential for them to grow as a result of our conflict. Isaiah 47:10 says, “Your wisdom and knowledge mislead you when you say to yourself, “I am, and there is none besides me.”” This voice of pride is mine whenever I think that all of the good choices, attitudes, or actions OR all of the bad choices, attitudes, or actions are mine in relationships.

I am learning that God is significantly better at knowing people and loving people than I am, and that is a beautiful, freeing thing! I am learning to identify what I CAN’T do in relationships and specify that out loud, in the moment (Check out the growing list of “Things I Can’t Do” on my blog: www.godblogyou.com !). Each time I add something to the list, I grieve that I can’t do something that I thought I could do (I have less control!), celebrate that I am not responsible for doing it (Freedom!), and am grateful that I know that Someone can do it and do it well (It’s God! There’s hope!). By showing me what I CAN’T do, God is lifting the burden of pride from my shoulders and freeing me to put more energy into what I CAN do. I can love. I can point out how I see God working. I can believe. I can point out sin. I can hope.

the new stuff....

Things I Can’t Do:
1. Make people feel loved (I am called to love and encourage people, but people get to choose whether they will receive or reject my love. I cannot control whether or not they believe that I care about them. I can hug them and write them notes until I’m blue in the face, but if they are convinced that I don’t love them, the hugs and notes will not change their mind. That doesn’t mean that I should stop loving them, but it does mean that my ability to love others can not be measured by whether or not they believe I love them/receive my love.)

2. Control people’s emotions---It’s my fault she’s mad, etc. (People choose what to feel, how to react. Someone can lash out at me and I can choose to respond calmly. Or I can choose to feel rejected or betrayed and yell back at them in anger. In both cases, the person’s action towards me is the same. How I chose to respond was different.)


3. Convict people of sin (It’s God’s job, not mine! I can call people out on negative things that I see in their lives or in their interactions with me. The Bible tells us to rebuke others in love; it is important that I do this out of love and not out of judgment or a desire to be right. At the same time, I cannot make others agree that a behavior is sinful or motivate them to desire change in that area. Neil Anderson, author of the Steps to Freedom, says that is misdirecting that person’s battle with God onto myself.

4. Protect people from shame (If someone is ashamed of their sin and does not want to confess it to others, I cannot protect them from feeling shame. In The Wounded Heart, Allender defines shame as, “the dread of being known.” He goes on to say that it is a result of misplaced trust, of letting people determine our acceptability rather than Christ. If we let Christ determine our acceptability, we are sad over our sin and move towards gratefulness for God’s forgiveness and Jesus’ death. It is up to the person whether or not they look to God or to man, whether they choose to feel shame or sadness).


5. Protect people from sadness, prevent people from being sad. (People choose their emotions.)

6. Heal people (It’s God’s job! I cannot give people freedom. I can point out how I see God working. I can point out sin that I see. I cannot give people a desire to seek truth or increase their belief.)


7. Make people love me (To love is a choice. I can love people, but I have no control over whether they love me back. I can be kind, observant, encouraging, thoughtful, honest, and sincere. I cannot convince people that I am worth loving. I cannot be perfect. I cannot earn love.)

8. Make people feel accepted/prevent them from feeling betrayed. (I can assure people that I love them. It is their choice whether to trust that I love them or to feel betrayed when I am loving someone else or focusing on someone else.)


9. Protect people from feeling rejected, abandoned, or like a failure (To feel fear is a choice.)

10. Read people’s minds/meet needs I don’t know about (To be open, honest, and vulnerable is a choice.)


11. Make people be real/admit their sin (I can be honest and open with others, but I cannot make them confess sin, speak truth, be honest, be vulnerable, admit weakness, etc. They control how well I know them. I can ask questions. I can hang out with them. I can love them. I can pursue them diligently. It is their choice whether or how deeply they let me into their lives.)

12. Make people receive hope (I can point out how I see God working. I can propose solutions to solve a problem. I can offer to help or assist. I can be optimistic. It is up to the person whether they focus on the good or the bad in the situation. I cannot make them see the good. Hope is a matter of perspective; it is a choice.)

13. Make people trust me. (To trust is a choice. I can ask people why they do not trust me. I can ask them if I have sinned against them in some way I am unaware of. I can ask forgiveness for my sin. I can seek reconciliation when there is conflict, but I cannot convince anyone that I am trustworthy. I can be vulnerable and honest and put all my thoughts, feelings, and sins on the table, but they get to choose whether they feel safe around me, whether I am worthy of their trust.)

These are also my prayer requests. Just because I realized that I couldn't do these things enough times to add them to the list does not mean that they are not things that I struggle with anymore. Pray that God would continue to convict me of pride and free me to love others well in relationships!!! Thank you so much for your prayers!!!!!!!

Helen, the Beautiful (and the Almost Married)

We threw Helen a bridal shower today. Here are the tasty eats. Her colors are teal and brown. The shower was outside, in Kylee's backyard.

This is Kylee. She's my mento/counselor/friend.

Helen got a lot of gifts. I think she looks like a model in this picture! Isn't she beautiful!?!? I was the picture taker and it was really sunny, which made it a little tricky and a lot sweaty!


I was also in charge of encouragement. This is the scrapbook I made Helen with a lot of quotes from different people that love her about why they think she's wonderful, pictures of those people, Bible verses, etc. I found some post-it notes shaped like speech bubbles and wrote the quotes people had in the speech bubbles. It was so fun and colorful! I think she liked it. She even cried! Then we prayed for her as a group:

Later we had cupcake decorating! Yum!

Ezra, One EZ Kid to Love!

This is my friend Ezra. He and his family went through our training program this Spring and left today for the summer. The picture if of us saying good-bye last night. He's a sweetie and I've really enjoyed encouraging him, spending time with him, playing games with him, etc. We've had several Mancala marathons and even played chess a few times! I didn't know how to play chess until I was in high school, so I was impressed that he had the general idea. We got confused about a few pieces because it was an African chess set and the pieces looked totally different than in the standard black and white version I'm used to. Ezra loves games and, even more than that, he loves attention. Not in a "look at me!" show-off kind of way, in a "I'm the middle of three kids and the other two are louder and express their needs more forcefully" kind of way. He has a great personality and makes me laugh!

One last week I got back from a bike ride and was passing by Ezra's house on the way back to my house. Out of the blue, he walked up to me and asked, "Do you want to go on a jog? We could go right down this street, that street, and back here (around the block). I could go change real quick." I said, "Sure!" and was totally amused that he had come up with going on a jog as a fun form of hanging out with me, especially since there was no previous talk of running or jogging going on. Then it cracked me up that he was going to go change clothes. He wasn't particularly dressed up or anything that required changing, but he came back out in baggy green athletic shorts and a t-shirt, ready to go on a run. We asked his mom for permission, and we were off! And he didn't try to run ahead of me or anything either; he stayed right by my side and made conversation. We were actually fairly similarly paced, which I thought was fun, too. I love how he was getting winded, huffing and puffing a little, and quickly found a cool piece of trash on the ground to stop and look at for a minute. I love how obvious kids are, even in their subtlety.

Here he is being camera shy and then laughing.

This is a season of transition, as my roommate Helen moves out and gets married in June, my roommate Laura leaves to lead an internship to Bulgaria this summer, my friend Susan and her family leave Florida to support raise in the Mid-West and then deploy to Mexico, my friend Angela leads an internship to Myanmar and Thailand (also the editor, person who looks over/proofs my work), Ezra and his family leave for the summer, my friend Misty moves back into our house after a few month absence (she was house sitting for some people who were out of town), a new session of the COAT training program starts and someone named Megan moves into our house, my friend Melissa moves back from Rwanda, Shane (Helen's future husband) begins working in Media after an apprenticeship in Kenya, Ryan begins working in Media after support-raising in Oklahoma, and more. A lot of change is coming, and that is a little overwhelming and also an opportunity for growth.

Pray that:

I will let myself be sad, grieve the things I'm loosing and know that it's okay to miss them. Being sad doesn't mean I'm going to be hopeless, it means I realize that those were great things!

That my eyes will be opened to how God is working in my life and the lives of those around me, I would continue to be filled with praise and awe at His goodness, timing, provision, how well He knows me, etc.

My identity would be securely rooted in Him and in His love for me, I'd speak up/speak truth to people/believe my thoughts and opinions and perspectives are valuable, I'd be unshaken by less frequent contact with friends, transitions, etc.

I would become even more self-aware, having a teachable spirit, being humble, to learn what unhealthy patterns I have in communicating, what is unhealthy about how I view others, God, love, etc. That I would recognize my needs and take steps to meet them without guilt or shame (time alone, time with people, counseling, exercise, sleep, etc. Continue to discover and develop the giftings God's given me through trust/see them as gifts

Some friends that went through COAT with me would be able to move back soon (Derek and Ashley); I miss them; they're support raising right now

I'm a Winner!!!!

This morning I ran a 5K (3.1 miles) that a local church was sponsoring to raise money for AIDS work in Africa. I asked a few different people if they wanted to do it with me, but they either didn't want to or were busy, so I ended up going by myself.

I made a friend there who actually goes to the same church as me and the same college/young adult group while I was waiting for the race to start! How fun! We'd never met each other before and ran part of the race together. I thought that was particularly ironic because the reason I got into running in the first place was to build relationships with girls at my home church when they were training to do the Race for the Cure together. Tiff and Rachel, I was especially remembering you today! They are so good at pace setting! And we're similar in speed. AND I just like them a lot! God has been giving me more boldness in initiating contact with non-NMSI people. I think that's exciting!!!

By the way, I got third place in my age division! Can you believe it!??! I got a bronze medal in a race!!! I think that's pretty funny! (Yes, there were only a few hundred people there, so I'm not actually sure how many people there were that were in my age division). But there is still reason to celebrate, especially since it will probably never happen again! WOW!! It is especially wonderful because I just decided to sign up for the race on Wednesday night (this is Saturday/race day) and did a "practice run" on Thursday to make sure that I could still run three miles. Lately I've been biking more than running----I looked up my weekend bike riding route (created by my friend Sarah) on www.mapmyrun.com and it was 18 miles! Isn't that crazy!?!? One of the benefits of living in Florida is consistent sun, which makes me smile!!!!!!!!!!

Do you like my pretend running pose? That's the cord of my camera case on the ground :0)

Did You Get My Newsletter?

Sometime in mid-April, you should have received my newsletter. My first official, paper NMSI newsletter!!!! Potentially, you could receive up to three of those per year from me. If you did not receive it and want to, feel free to e-mail me and I'll add you to the list! I'm excited to share what God's doing in my life with the people who love me, support me financially, and pray for me!!!

Here are a few fun pictures...

This is our printer! I've recently learned to order toner, calibrate the printer, and ???

We print things on 11x17 pieces of paper, for the most part, which saves money because we pay "per click" for printing. That means that printing one piece of paper costs the same amount, no matter how large the piece of paper is. After printing multiple copies of a publication on the same piece of paper, we cut them apart with this fancy cutter. There is a lot of laughing that goes on by that cutter because it's hard to push the lever down sometimes. Also, that's where I make most of my mistakes, accidentally cutting of part of a letter of a word or making a cut that is a fraction of an inch off (that matters if you are putting the publication in the folder or sending it to the bulk mail). I'm learning (some days are better than others) that mistakes are not sins, to "cut" myself a little slack.

This is the fancy folder. It has a pretty good beat---when it starts folding it kind of sounds like someone is blasting some loud bass music from the car next to you while you're waiting for a stop light. I am quite grateful for the folder, though, as we recently have printed some brochures for the "How Will They Hear?" campaign (to raise money to build houses on campus to have room to train missionaries that are going to the field) that are on 12x18 paper and consequently are being folded by hand because they do not fit in the folder. So I'm thankful for the folder and Vicki, an aunt of one of our missionaries in Bulgaria, who has been volunteering in the PUB (we call it that here...it stands for "PUBlications" office) and folding brochures and tabbing and labeling newsletters.

Here are some examples of finished publications. Don't they look nice!??!!? These are my friends Derek and Ashley, who will be moving to Fort Myers soon (I hope!!!) to work in the Short-term Ministries division and with HIVHope. It's fun to e-mail people back and forth about the proof of their publication because I get to develop relationships with missionaries that I haven't met and keep up with a few of my friends. Yeah for e-mail!

This is a sheet of address labels, a giant disc of tabs (circular stickers that hold the newsletter together in the mail---we don't put them in envelopes) that I think looks kind of like an old time film reel, and a bulk mail tub. We sort out each newsletter into 1. foreign 2. local 3. all else as we tab and label. We get a cheaper rate on mailing local items (.118 cents) as opposed to all else (.162 cents). So that's a little more about what I do each day! I'm excited to include pictures! I'm at the Bread Co. using their free Internet right now and it totally makes me think of support-raising. I used free Bread Co. Internet a LOT during those months! I guess Florida is not a TOTALLY different world.... :0)